Touaregistration

Now that car brands are disappearing faster than Polar bears, it might be a good time to find out where their names came from before they're gone forever. Here are a few that are fighting off extinction:

Alero - /a-LAIR-oh/ - noun
Any of the small burn marks that pock the window moulding of cars driven by smoking drivers who sneak just the tip of their cigarettes out through the crack of the window so they won’t get smoke in the car.

Azera - /a-ZAIR-ah/ - noun
The volume of air that doesn’t make it into the tire when you push the gas station air hose nozzle onto your tire valve. Usually amounts to about 90%-95% of the total air pumped, and makes a loud enough noise that everyone else in the gas station wonders what the hell you’re doing.

Aztek - /AZ-teck, ASS-teck/ - proper noun
The mechanic who is supposed to be changing your tire, but is quickly adding up all the extra money he can make if you believe him when he tells you you need six new engine mounts, four rebuilt door clearance adjusters, a steering wheel re-rounder, a complete scraping of interior exhaust pipe residue, and a cup-holder recalibration.

Elantra - /uh-LANT-ra/ - noun
The clause in your warranty contract that voids coverage of whatever just went wrong with your car.

Futuramic - /few-cha-RAM-ick/ - adjective
Sleek, stylish, modern, and not worth a shit; a description usually applied to a slick new automotive feature that is going to give you nothing but trouble, and make your life a living hell until you sell the piece of crap for much less than they told you it was worth.

Impreza - /im-PREZZ-uh/ - proper noun
Someone who buys a car that has a satellite tracking system, self-closing doors, self-buckling seat belts, heated headrests and an optional hot tub, and drives about 200 feet per day to the mailbox and back.

Prius - /PRE-ass/ - noun
The ritual performed by your departing guests as they climb into their car, roll the window down and chat with you for another few minutes as you stand in the rain wearing slippers. The ritual concludes with a flashing of headlights, a merry tootle of the horn, another tootle, a too-loud “bye-bye” through the open window, and the chirping of brakes as they discover that the car is in reverse gear.

Reatta - /re-AT-tah/ - noun
The bra-a-a-a-p sound your gas filler cap makes when you tighten it.

Sentra - /SEN-truh/ - proper noun
The passenger in your new energy-efficient vehicle who is charged with the task of spotting a refueling station that sells a 60-40 ethanol-alcohol fuel with a special 35% extra virgin olive oil base.

Tiburon - /TIB-yer-awn/ - proper noun
The place you arrive in after you have been very late in discovering that your OnStar satellite system is not working quite right. Tiburon is recognizable by the flames shooting out of the ground, the trident-carrying, red jumpsuit-wearing bystanders with horns and pointed tails, and the complete lack of cellphone service.

Viero - /Vee-AIR-oh/ - noun
The roadside caution sign that shows a twisty arrow and a picture of a dented cow, usually placed about 100 feet further along the road from where you just came darting out of a hairpin turn and crashed into some sort of cloven-hoofed bovine.

Vue - /VEW/ - noun
The sound your car makes as it whistles by the address you have been looking for, on the wrong side of the road, for the past twenty minutes.

Yaris - /YARE-ass/ - adjective
Airborne; lighter than air; not prone to staying on a horizontal surface for prolonged periods; gravity-defying; light as a feather; wispy; gossamer. Commonly used in describing the sensation experienced by drivers of tiny little imported eco-friendly cars when they pass any other vehicle of any size, traveling in any direction on any road, at any speed.

Driven, cooked and eaten by Cooper Green